Letter To My Future Suicidal Self.

Dear you,

Congratulations buddy you made it and I’m so proud of you. Trust me when I tell you that you should be really fucking proud of yourself for making it this far. I don’t know if you’ll remember this, but when this was written you didn’t think you were going to make past your 22nd birthday. Right now it’s Tuesday 22nd November 2016. The past two weeks you completely dissociated from the entire universe around you.

Last weekend was terrible. You thought your whole life was flashing before your eyes. Sweating, shivering, crying in bed convinced you were going to die any second. You felt lonely, cut off, invaded by them to the point you wanted to die. We were counting down the seconds. Remember that? But guess what? We fucking survived again, my friend.

Whatever is happening in your life right now, I hope it doesn’t feel as painful as that time. If it does feel just as painful or even worse, you need to know that you’re going to be fine.

You’ve been through too much to give it all up now. Think about everything you gone through and overcome. I don’t know what you have dealt with in the future, but I know we haven’t gone through the fallouts, the deaths, abandonments and addictions, flashbacks and every single fight you have struggled through to stop now.

In my time right now, life isn’t very clear at all. We have a lot of regrets, a lot of anger and sadness. We’re missing those people we shouldn’t again..I know… this again.

We got scared again that people were going to hurt us or something bad would happen, so we’re not talking to anyone right now. In fact, I’m pretty sure apart from Lewis ( there is no point in asking you if he’s in our future because let’s face it, he’s the only one we can’t shake off. ) But apart from him, we don’t have friends right now. I think I really did a good job of pushing everyone away this time and my god it fucking hurts.

Does this sound familiar? Is this what you’re going through?  If it is don’t be fooled by my weak sounding broken heart talking. Because I am so NOT done in this fight!

I can’t tell you that they are going to stick around this time. I can’t tell you that life is all going to be all happiness, because you know it’s not. You know that whatever you’re going through right now fucking hurts. Let it. Let it hurt. Feel the hurt. Embrace it. The pain will only make you stronger. We are proof of that already.

Do you still watch Dakota? Remember what he said?

“There’s gonna be days when you wanna lay there and almost give up. Lay there and almost give up. Just don’t. Collapse and crumble. Fall down 5 times, stand up 6.”

I’m sorry that you’re in a really bad place right now. We are in a messy place right now in 2016. But don’t think that the recent grief, the uncertain friendships, the relapses and the loneliness that I am feeling is stopping me this time. NOT A CHANCE!

Despite all of the bad, there is good. People do love us. They care. They are there. I know it doesn’t always seem like it, because this mental illness is a bastard. We know this. They like to whisper and scream otherwise, but we know the truth.

The truth is we are not giver uppers! We are fighters. You are living proof of that, you clever human being. We are fighting now and you we will do it again 1000000 times.

Just keep holding on. Stay strong and KEEP FIGHTING.

Love,

Me.

♥ ♥ ♥

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