This blog is going to be hard. It’s hard to write. Hard to post and it’s also going to be hard for some people to read.
For years I wanted to be “the girl who’s a mystery”. Having people know who you are, but have a whole side to you that you kept secret. Well, let’s just say that isn’t working out anymore. There is too much mystery and secrecy than I ever intended.
I remember having a conversation with my best friend in 2012 and she said as a joke “Sometimes it’s like you’re like Hannah Montana and living to different lives” Me being me, I overthought that and it was actually kind of true. Apart from the fact I’m not rich and am certainly not famous, I had been living two separate lives. One side “the girl who was trying to get their life back together” and then “the girl who didn’t give a crap about anything and was doing anything she could to cope. But also had been dealing with so much more than people knew.”
But that wasn’t the biggest part of these lives. It was the secrets. Keeping secrets was something I was always comfortable with. It was something that came pretty easy for me.
In 2013, things started to change. After two horrible things had happened in January the secrets that I was keeping suddenly started to feel wrong to keep.
The biggest things that could happen to someone, I had managed to go out of my way to make sure certain people would never find out. And if actually worked…
Caring started to slip between 2013 -14 and I ended up writing a letter out of anger to someone with a lot of things that I had kept secret for a couple of years. Before I knew it people found out about what was written it in and of course there were questions. Questions in my mind, they had no right to be asking. But the whispers and back stabbing were definitely un called for.
Separating your life into two places and then all of a sudden people know, was just too much to handle. Luckily, somehow I was able to steer myself away from all of that and the next day it was as if it was all forgotten. Or just not mentioned and it was never mentioned again. Until now.
If you’re reading this and have no idea what the heck I’m talking about, then…be patient. I will open up about it all in full detail when the other people involved and I are all ready too.
Oh and to the few people who feel the need to talk behind backs, please don’t. I do ask if you have any questions, please ask me directly. I may not give you answers, but would prefer not to hear the bad stuff you’ve said about me from someone else as it always does come back whenever that happens. 😉👍🏻
To the people who will still be ignorant enough to think they know everything. You really don’t, you really didn’t back then and for your own benefit, please learn to accept that.
Talking to my therapist last week really made me understand why I have a mental illness. Keeping so many secrets throughout the years I had built so much anxiety up inside of me. And as a coping mechanism my brain hears and sees things mostly from the past that have actually distracted me away from the secrets.
When it’s your own secrets, you’re burdening yourself, but when someone else’s pops up out of nowhere like it did last year it adds to the long list. No one needs to be burdened by their own or anyone else’s secrets.
And I’m not going to anymore. I’m no longer going to burden myself with secrets that belong or dont belong to me. I will always carry guilt, even when I’m told I don’t need to and the beautiful living existence proves I don’t need to. 😊
To the people who have been in the centre of the secrets for so long, my extended family. I love you all so, so much and I’m so extrememly lucky to have amazing people come into my life when I needed it and I appreciate you all so much.
To an old friend who I blurted this out to you when we were out one night (if you’re reading this and remember) I’m sorry for landing that on you and thank you for being supportive when I told you. 🙈
To the bestest friend in the entire universe. My Timon to my Pumbaa. My Peanut to my Jeff. I love you so freaking much and I have no idea how I got so lucky to still have you as a friend since our BBQ, sleepover, TT Stands for you days. 😂 Thank you for being there through everything. I love you. 💕
To the beautiful woman who took on a motherly role as well as a grandmother role and has been there for me through everything. Who constantly puts up with my shit, mood swings and understands more than anyone about why I act the way I act. Thank you for sticking by me, sticking up for me and for generally just sticking. 😂 You’re the glue, my rock and a gem. Especially when I first opened up to you. You are the first person who is seeing both of my lives squashing together to become one and I love you so freaking much. 💕💕💕
This is be far one of the hardest things I have ever written and there has been a heck of a lot of things I’ve written.
This is just the start of my truth telling Journey. I’m looking forward to showing people the real me and eventually meeting the people behind these scenes.