Quote of the day: Silence isn’t empty, it’s full of answers.
I really don’t know where I’m actually taking this post…Right now I feel like I could type truth after truth. I have never felt like being this open through writing before and there will probably be a big possibility that I shall change my mind and private this, but people tell you to be open and honest and when you are, they judge. So, I might just say…if you don’t like the truth…don’t read? Delete and block only takes a second. 😉
Yesterday’s post was exactly the turn out that I had expected. A couple of messages from those I had blurted secrets to over the last few years, saying that they were happy I had finally made that kind of post. And the rest of them? Well, that quote above says it all. 😒
There were also a few messages from people asking what the heck I was babbling on about. 😂 So, yes! Thank you for that. It definitely lightened the mood. Anyone who knows me, will know that writing is a number one therapy. Talking on the other hand has always been the last.
I have always been a strong believer in “Everything happens for a reason.” And also a strong believer of who comes into our lives. No one ever comes into our lives accidentally, there is always a reason or purpose for it, no matter what it is. Sometimes, we find out what those reasons are and sometimes we don’t.
Flashback 8 years ago. After a step parent leaves and parents were not available. An old toxic friendship that pulled me away from all of the other friendships. My world was falling apart around me. Meeting Chris was definitely not an accident. The night we had met I was at one of the worst suicidal states that I had ever been in. A complete stranger saved my life and from then on he wasn’t a stranger. We just didn’t realise how big of a deal we were going to be in each others lives. And I had no idea back then just how much that family would make such an impact on my life.
Him giving me his mp3 player to borrow that night and the first song that played was “Stop Crying Your Heart Out by Oasis and then it “randomly” being played twice in the next week on the radio on the way home from school. That wasn’t a coincidence. Meeting him was definitely not a coincidence. I will never understand why he got taken away so early, but every single one of us is thankful for every single moment we had together. Getting to know Amanda, Rob, Lewis and the boys was not a coincidence. Being treated and welcomed in like family from day one and having Kaitlyn in our lives was just always meant to be. 💕
People criticise what I write and talk about sometimes, because talking about the people who changed my life insults others? Why? If we can’t celebrate the lives of the people who helped us when no one else was around and talk about the people who really deserve to be given all the love in the world then that’s also insulting too. So, if that insults people who were not actually around at the time. That’s a risk willing to take.
I was always that person who apparently put too much over the internet, I expressed my feelings to much. I shared too many personal things. I will forever stand by what I have repeatedly said. Yes, I am guilty of writing too many annoying posts, but that was only because I had no idea how to express myself. But the thing about those annoying posts was the fact there was nothing about my actually life people could judge. Just the mood swings.
If there has been one thing I have learned in the past few years, it’s that our story matters. No matter how dramatic you think it is or sounds. Or how boring you think it is, your story is yours and it matters. You matter. No one else in this universe has your story, it’s yours and no one else’s. You have the power to write and tell your story.
Using social media, this past year I have connected with so many people and especially 12 different incredible human beings who have their own stories who I have been able to relate to. The difference was, all of those people are extremely open about their lives and what they had been through and when I told them my story they were shocked at how I’d kept such big things from so many people for so long . That’s when it really hit me that keeping things like that for so long wasn’t a talent or a gift anymore, it was damaging. It probably will be damaging until I am actually ready to talk about it completely.
But when is it time? How are you supposed to feel 100% ready when you know there will too many knee jerk reactions? Too many questions. Scared of judgement and scared of people wanting to get involved and interfere in lives that you’ve kept so guarded for so long?
As of right now, I don’t have the answers. I have my story. I have my truth. I have my life. I have those people who understand. There are those that don’t. I have the people who are in this with me. All we can do is have those hard conversations, those plans of, if, how and when we tell this story.
I will keep writing the truth. Keep reaching out to others. Sharing this story with strangers. Keep talking, keep writing and eventually it will be time. By then, hopefully the fears we have won’t be as bad as we think.
Hoping for hope. Hopefully.
If you’re still reading this far, thanks for sticking through the babble. 😉