I had one of the worst nightmares I have every experienced last night. Over the last few years there have been many terrible nightmares, but last night topped it off. It was full of flashbacks from every bad thing that I’d been through.
Lying awake this morning, all I kept thinking is the worst things in that nightmare were caused because of other people’s actions. I find myself suddenly snapping at people after something being triggered because my brain drags me back something from the past.
Sometimes, something as little as giving someone a hug makes me upset. I’ve never been an extremely huggable person anyway, but on the days that I really need a hug the flashbacks, thoughts and fears of once being betrayed by someone who I thought I knew, clouds my brain.
Putting off exercise and eating healthily because of that one comment a stranger made when I was 14 saying that I looked anorexic. Knowing that with my obsessive personality I’ll not know when enough is enough.
On the days when my therapist asks about the Angels. Feeling my face heat up underneath the foundation, trying not to make it obvious that they are present in the room and staring me down. I force a smile, add a sarcastic comment and change the conversation completely. All because I’m scared if I talk about it all that all become everything the bully said about me being “mental” or a “psycho”.
Living with mental illness you tend to repeatedly as yourself one thing…
Well, what if it wasn’t you? What if the world you thought that was targeting you, was not because you’re a bad person? I know I’m not perfect. I’ve made a lot of mistakes, but for so long I believed that all of that trauma was my fault.
It wasn’t, isn’t and it never will be.
I’ve realised that what happened was to do with them. Their insecurities, their messed up crap they were going through at the time or still are. It doesn’t make it right and it never will and it will not ever take away that mental scarring it left, but it makes it a little easier knowing it was their behaviour that caused it and not just because “the world is against me”.
They have to live with that for the rest of their lives. But we are different. We are stronger than that. We are in recovery. We will learn how to overcome these traumas and experiences. We are not what we’ve been through or been put through. Yes, there are going to be relapses and days when recovery doesn’t seem worth it, but it is.
You just have to keep fighting. 💪🏻💕