I used to be so effected by people from my past talking so much shit about me. These days I just to have to laugh at it. Even though the truth isn’t at all laughable, the fact they actually think they know anything about me or what I went through is.
I’ve struggled with even liking my body for years, but there was one word that I had said to myself repeatedly that no one had never said to me before. It was the one negative word that the cyberbully hadn’t actually called me. A word I now know back then I wasn’t. Fat. To even call myself that was terrible and considering the circumstances it was insulting and not only towards myself.
I thought by doing that and trying to get my body back to “normal” I’d look how I did in October of the previous year. But it wasn’t just about looking how I did. In my naive mind, I thought it would suddenly erase any evidence of the pain of what really had happened.
After deliberately hiding myself away for months, I was paranoid that people would know everything just by looking at me. And of course apart from the one A hole who actually knew, no one else knew anything.
Like most kids and teens there were always self esteem issues. But well done, Lucy it’s only took you 6 years to realise why you still have issues with your body. It’s not just to do with my weight, it’s the past thoughts of paranoia that people will find out everything.
I keep forgetting that I don’t need to do that anymore. I forget I’m trying to be more open about the past and go back into that hiding away frame of mind.
Talking to my therapist and connecting with so many people online has made it so much easier to talk about things and starting to open up. The people closer to you are the hardest to talk to if you’ve kept yourself to yourself for so long, but no matter what those closest to you will be able to help and support you through things.
If only I had that perspective years ago, instead of shoving everything in pile and sitting on it for so long.
It’s taken a long time accept the past and I’m still learning. I’m also learning to accept life is happening the way it is and I can’t change that. But I can change how I cope and how I look at it. 😊