If you’re sensitive to the topic of voices/hallucinations then please don’t read on if it might trigger something off as I will be going into my personal experience.
I started taking the antipsychotic meds yesterday and I’m 100% sure that the amount wouldn’t have done anything, but I felt so tired yesterday, had a good night’s sleep and actually woke up with the weirdest urge to talk about them.
Oh the psychological mysteries of the Brain.
Last year, I had an assessment and the woman asked me all sorts of questions about my past, which was awkward and uncomfortable. She started talking about internal and external hallucinations and because I was obsessing over the thought of not telling her anything, it wasn’t processing what the difference was.
It sounds ridiculous as to how I wasn’t understanding as the key to internal is (in)ternal. Inside your head. And the key to external is (ex)ternal. Out.
Both sounded like what I was experiencing. I struggle with things that have happened in the past and if something triggers anything to do with them off, I hear things in my head from the past.
The external is a little more difficult to explain. From what was explained to me, sometimes when a child knows there’s negative things going on, they can create their own bubble of safety. However much I disagree on this, for others it’s more easier to understand that way.
Now I’m getting into writing this, it feels even harder to write about it without knowing something bad will happen because of it after I do.
As I got older things started to change. The angels of what I knew as protecting and keeping me safe had took a horrible turn. I started to feel less protected in more ways than just the angels, everything I thought I knew was slowly collapsing and that’s when I think the anxiety really started.
When I started going to CAMHS I started opening up about things, but I was petrified something would happen.
In 2011, things had gotten from bad to worse and from the July I did everything I could to try and forget about it or at least numb what was happening, but only making it worse.
The one thing that I hate is being told they are thoughts, when you think you know they are real. It’s hard to believe anyone saying it’s an illness or it’s not real when you’re living it everyday. When you’re on Skype to your best friends and you’re trying to not sound so distracted by what you’re seeing and hearing in the background. Or when you’re talking to your therapist and she’s waiting for you talk about them, but you know you can’t whilst they are there shouting at you to stop talking and not to make it look obvious. So, the conversations turn into smiles and sarcasm.
Although, things seem so bad right now…I’m lucky that things haven’t got as out of control than they could have done and it really feels that I’m almost at that place that I don’t want to be. That’s why I’m trying medication. If it can help take the edge off everything going on then it’s something worth trying right now.
If anyone actually reads this and is going through something similar. Don’t be me. Please talk about it! I wish I was brave enough to talk about it a long time ago.
For once I don’t want to worry what’s next, I just want to continue to survive/ live every minute at a time.