This blog post is by far the hardest one I have ever thought about writing. Even thinking about what I’m going to type is making me scared and anxious. By writing this I can use it to explain to anyone else in the near future that wants to ask me questions that are not able to escape my mouth.
*** If anyone is triggered by talking of voices or such, please don’t read on. ***
The other reason I am writing this is because, I used to think what I was experiencing when I was younger was normal. I thought that everyone had angels, but as I got older things changed and I felt as if no one understood and felt very alone and it is important for anyone else who experiences anything similar, that they are NOT alone!!!
For anyone who knows me, I have become very good at keeping secrets throughout the years , but this is one of the hardest I have had to keep. But because of how bad it has gotten in the past eighteen months, telling people is the only way I have to get people to understand.
When I was younger between 8-11, I started experiencing things as seeing and hearing Angels. Back then it was nothing but a good thing as I always felt protected. I assumed that everyone could see and hear angels and felt protected. I remember people used to talk about guardian angels, so In my childlike mind, I thought it was the same thing.
The day I realised things weren’t that simple, I was at a family members house and we were playing a game and I remember seeing the angel figure who always used to come to me from outside of the window, towards the big tree in the garden. In excitement, I remember telling her and tried to show her, but when I knew she wasn’t seeing what I was seeing I knew something wasn’t right. It was never obvious to me that no one else could see them.
The first couple of years of secondary school, I didn’t experience much, but I suddenly started to experience things, but this time they weren’t the protective Angels that I once knew. They were dark Angel figures, filling my head with so much. Making me do things, if I didn’t do what they said I had to punish myself or bad things happened. And if I didn’t do things, bad things would always happen. Coincidently or not, always. I used drugs, alcohol and food binges as a way of coping for years.
In 2013, after the loss of a best friend, losing ex friendships and going through some of the worst situations I’d ever gone through, I had a break down. I started going to a private therapist and she was the best thing that had happened in a long time. I’d never felt as safe before than I did when I was in my sessions with her. After my grandad passed away suddenly, my brain went into melt down. For the first time I spoke up about the Angels and she told me that I needed to go to the GP, before going back.
Unfortunately, I haven’t been in contact with her since, but here we are. Four years on and one step closer to finally finding out what is going on with me. I don’t normally speak the word Angels or hear it without getting triggered, but this is going to help me in the long run. An maybe anyone else who has or is currently experiencing something similar.
You Are NOT alone!!!