This title will not come as a shock to those who have known me within the last nine years. It’s also going to be more of a personal blog post.
It’s no surprise that I have had unstable friendships and relationships for as long as I remember. Before my assessment yesterday my therapist and I were going through some of the questions that might be asked. We were talking about when I first started experiencing things. She had explained before that when children feel unsafe or pick up on negativity, they tend to make up a world or as I’d call it a “bubble”. A place they feel happy and safe. For so long I disagreed with this explanation because I didn’t see myself as “going through a trauma.”
She then asked me what I classed as a trauma and answered something along the lines of “Something bad happening to you.” I then tried to explained to her that I had never gone through any sort of abuse or anything traumatic as a child. That’s when she said “If you were living in an environment and you were not getting the right care from a parent that you had needed and basically being emotionally neglected, I’d class that as traumatic.”
I knew she was right. It’s just not something I was ready to admit. If I had agreed with her, it would have been giving any sort of power I had to the reason why I felt was “screwed up”.
Years of not understanding why I did certain things and acted the way I acted. Now, it kind of makes a little more sense. Too many lost and broken friendships, clinging on to certain people and then pushing people away. Idolising people in the past and then hating them the next. Acting out impulsively, buying people off to get them to stick around. Unable to recognise when I was emotionally manipulating people to get them to stay. Getting into crazy mental states, crying and begging people to stay.
I don’t act out as impulsively as much as I used to, the main reason being because I hardly let people close enough these day. This is isn’t any way to live. When people get fed up of you and all of the temporary highs are not available for you anymore….it’s not fun. For me or the people left still standing my side. I don’t want to petrified of letting people in anymore. It’s time to accept the help that is offered. It’s time to get help. It’s time for change.
A big thank you again to who continuously sticks around through the good and the bad. 🙂