Everyone is always telling me “focus on the now”. Well, focusing on the now doesn’t exactly help right now. So, I’m trying something new. Focusing on the future. Although, a lot of the time it is hard to think there is a future…..a part of me obviously has hope there will be, as I continue to make plans regardless.
I don’t know how, but I have made a decision in September that will help change my life better than it has been for the past 4 years. Whether or not it will go to plan by then is another story, but the fact that another part of my brain is even considering it, when I’ve been having suicidal thoughts stronger than I have ever had recently, is positive.
It’s hard to imagine being in a place with so many people after shutting myself away for so long, but little things like going to a concert in a month is going to be a stepping stone before then.
Also, for those who are not aware, I have been wanting to go away for a while, to get some proper help. But the only place available for right now has been advised that it would not be the best place for me to go. As of right now, I am trying to accept that and try with everything I have to just survive every minute at a time.
There is one other option that I have had, which is day hospital. So, the support and help that I actually wanted would be available throughout day to day in the week. It’s something I have shrugged off because I didn’t think it would help, but in all honesty….anything different from what life is like right now would be perfect for everyone involved.
Last week, I was supposed to have another assessment. Which resulted in him only to turn around and tell me that his team have decided they don’t want to assess me because…….are you ready for this? Because I didn’t have a diagnosis………..
…….. Pretty sure that was the ONE thing I have asked for since day freaking one!!!
So, yes. After a very angry grand mother phoned them up today and asked what the hell is going on, they have now said that they are just as angry that we are being messed about. (Doubt that, love.) If nothing has been sorted out by next week, they will give us the right number to complain. Well, I don’t know, but I’m pretty sure anyone who has had issues with mental illness that wasting time complaining isn’t going to help our problems get better in the long run. But anyway, rant over.
Hopefully, I can get myself together for this concert next month. If not, I need to keep reminding myself not to be so hard on myself if I can’t do it. That doesn’t mean I am a failure. As for the big change in September….it’s something I have wanted to get back to for ages, but because of fear and lack of focus it’s not been possible.
Apart from all of the triggers and bad stuff that happened before, there were good moments and I truly believe if I work myself up to it I can get good moments again throughout that journey. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not going to be easy. The thought of it makes me want to start smoking again because I feel so stressed out about it, but the good things that will come out of it are going to be worth every bit of anxiety and stress….hopefully.
One thing I have promised myself before September, is a holiday. Whether it’s for a few days or a week, It’s something I have promised I need to try and do before September.
Some people might not think it’s going to be that much of a big deal, but It’s a big deal for me to do what I have to do to help get a future. I don’t have to be the same person that I was before. A change of name, a new positive outlook is not the complete package for an identity, but I can completely recreate myself. I am already becoming someone else. Someone better. I’ve already become a stronger person. The truth is, right now I have no idea who I am and that is completely okay. All I know is that I am definitely not who I was before. Thank God. Literally. This is my chance to test the waters and figure everything out. Find out who to trust. Who I don’t. Who and what I let into my life. Good and bad. New or old. This is all going to be the start to a new journey.
So, as I am currently lifting up a bottle of coke zero….here’s to the future!