I didn’t think I would be writing so soon. Especially of the events of yesterday.
Yesterday I was the angriest I have felt in a long time and if you know me, I can get angry quite a lot. But it takes something big or someone who has really hurt me or a loved one to really get me as raged as I was yesterday. One fist punch to the wall, a phone flying across the room, a little screaming into my pillow, tears, hysterical laughter and a lot of craving for a cigarette later…I calmed down. A little bit. That was my reaction after receiving messages off someone I never thought would have the nerve to contact me ever again. After everything he put me through and others. Hurting so many people and carried on living life as if nothing ever happened, while me and other people have had to live with the chaos he caused. The cheek is unreal. So effing unreal.
Coming from someone with low self esteem, even I know that I did not deserve that. As someone in recovery, triggers are a very hard part and that was one of the worst triggers I have had to face. And guess what? I’m still here. Still surviving. Just about. Although, I battle the things this person has put me through on a daily basis, that does not mean I have to let him cause any more pain. I have a lot more respect for myself these days to let that happen.
But if you’re somehow reading this blog post….just because you’re feeling a little low in yourself does not mean contacting every single person you’ve screwed over and try to mess them around once again. I speak on behalf of several of those people and can positively say, you will no longer have any control or power over any of us in the future.
MENTAL HEALTH UPDATE
On another note, tomorrow is the assessment that is looking into the “official” diagnosis. I mean, maybe I should be feeling little more relieved as I’ve been waiting so long, but by now I don’t have that much confidence left that things will go according to plan.
Hopefully it will…