This is was a post that I never thought I’d be writing. I’ve made a video about it, but that was more along the lines of explaining what happened. Making that video was one of the hardest things I had to do. But by making it, I was able to connect with others who had gone through similar things.
When I first came out about this publicly, people asked me why I didn’t go to the police about it. And just like so many people in the same position, I didn’t think I’d be believed. Especially because we had so many mutual people in common and I was convinced that they never believe it either. (Which by the way I was completely wrong and some of those people have been extremely supportive.)
Last year, after experiencing even more flashbacks than usual and after feeling like I was getting worse, more than recovering.
I decided to contact the police.
I spoke to two police officers at the house because I was unable to leave the house at that point in time. I told them what remembered, but I couldn’t say the same of the person. I was that petrified of what would happen when everything would blow up and I wasn’t mentally ready for it.
After feeling like a failure for about a month, I found out their was a sexual assault centre near to me. When I got there I felt extremely safe. I was able to write down exactly what I remembered from that night and I was able to write down his name and she then anonymously sent it over to the police.
Ever since what happened, I have constant flashbacks from that night and also from other memories involving him.
On Monday, when I was coming home in the car, I seen him in passing for the first time in a couple of months. And it was the first time that I didn’t freak out, I wasn’t scared, I didn’t shake or dissociate. I felt quite calm and strong. And the most important thing was that I didn’t have a flashback!
Going through something like that made me feel dirty, worthless and unlovable. I stopped letting people in and I don’t like to be touched.
But even throughout all of that, I have so freaking lucky to have a best friend and incredible family who has supported me.
He will not stop me from living my life anymore and please God, if karma is on my side let the guilt drill him right down to the core of the soul he supposedly has left.
This is only just the beginning of recovering from him and what happened, but it is a huge positive step forward and I’m excited to start living life again. ☺️🖕🏻