Open Letter To Myself. ||The Future.

Hey.

This isn’t going to be easy, but you need to stop obsessing over the past. As harsh as this is, the past needs to stay in. the past. Let’s have a a bit of a recap of the past few years.

So, here we are in 2017. You have the worst upcoming months of the year ahead that you hate, as it only brings back memories from the past. You spent 2012, split between attending college (The times you actually turned up.)  Making memories with special people lost their battle in this life and also wasting your time with people who were only out for themselves. You spent half or 2013 doing everything that you could to drown out of the pain. And the rest of it slowly rebuilding with the help with two best friends. One of which, you don’t speak about anymore. Stop blaming yourself.

2014, was the year you FINALLY accepted therapy. And for a while it helped and then grand died. It was sudden and no one really expected it and the truth is, you never grieved any of the people you have lost and that is something you need to work on.

Between 2014 – 16 your mental health deteriorated and that wasn’t your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself for having a breakdown. It was going to happen eventually, it was just delayed a few years after building up the stress.

Stop worrying about time. I know you’ve lost people and they didn’t to live out everything they wanted to do and although you don’t know when you’re life is going to end, you need to remember that recovering from mental illness takes more than over night. It will take time, time you need to believe you have.

For everyone’s sake, stop stalling. Okay, yes. Things will take time, but you’ve been putting this off long enough now. You’ve been living in a comfort zone for far too long that it’s affecting more than just yourself.

Oh and Lola? Stop while you’re ahead. You’re not dumb. You know your games and you’re smart enough to know their moves before they even make them. 😉 They have an insider, don’t be taken in by that. Be careful.  Don’t chase.  Leave. It’s that time of the year where this all comes flooding back. But, please. Just don’t go back there. You’re better and stronger than that. Keep going girl.

Also, stop planning to do things and letting the demons get the better of you and then cancelling at the last minute. You’re already starting to hide behind your blankets with no make up, messy hair, re bandaging the wounds. Please stop. You don’t need to keep doing this to yourself. You’re heading back into a deep depression again and quite frankly you know you’re getting bored of it.

Start making more plans with your best friend, she living 20 minutes not 200 miles away.

Yes, you two have had amazing memories and it’s always great looking back at them, but for the sake of still being alive today start making more while you can. You have a damn bucket list, start using it!

2011, was the year that you left another temporary home and actually found comfort in a real home. That home will always be home, whether you live there or not. Remember, it isn’t the place that makes home. It’s the people. Everyone knew you couldn’t keep living in your comfort zone.

And the last thing. You’re not your parents. You never have been and you never will be. Okay, so things aren’t how you wanted them to be or wished for. But everything has worked out just how it was supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason and things have worked out well for everyone. Well, the people who matter. Stop feeling guilty for things that you don’t need to feel guilty for anymore. Also, stop feeling guilty for still being alive and continuing to live after losing  them. They’d want you be happy.

Get back to spending more time with family. Smile more, laugh more and enjoy every little moment that you can with Kaitlyn. Stop fearing of the future. Yes, it might be scary and anxious. But eventually moving to spend more time with the people who changed your life many years ago is exciting. The future could be okay. Its okay to be excited.