By now you probably know what this post will be about if you’ve been following the #MeToo stand recently. I made a video about a year ago and I’ve mentioned it in past posts and poems, I just thought I’d make a brief blog post because I’ve realised the more I talk and share my experience with others, I feel like healing from this is even more possible.
2012 was a year of constant drama. Friendships being tested, trying to keep my two lives I was living separated. In January 2013, my whole world started collapsing around me. One of my longest friendships was breaking apart and one of my best friends was ill in hospital. I felt myself shutting down from everyone who seemed to care about me and found myself talking to someone who made most of 2012 miserable. We had been on and off fighting for two years, so when he was being so nice to me It felt like the feud was finally over. A few days before my best friend passed away, I was told that he hadn’t got long. I didn’t take this news well at all. I wasn’t sure how to act. I did what I do best and cut everyone off. Instead of going to people who really truly cared about me, I went to “him”. The person I ended up going to whenever I felt like shit. I originally wanted to meet with just him, but I ended up meeting him at a friend’s house who he was staying with. When I arrived I felt quite uncomfortable because I didn’t really know anyone who was there. I remember hoping that a mutual friend was going to turn up, but they didn’t I told him that I was just going to go and that’s when he said offered me the drink. I’d had a couple of glasses of vodka and coke, but compared to what my body had been used to over the last few months that was nothing. I thought to myself I’ll drink this and then I’ll text a friend to come and get me. After about 20-30 minutes I started to feel drunk, which I couldn’t understand. The sound of the music that was playing had increased in volume and my eye sight changed drastically and then feeling dizzy and nausea kicked in and the friend of “his” told me to go and lie down in the room that “he” was staying in. “He” helped me up at the stairs as I found myself unbalanced and stumbling. I collapsed on the bed, shutting my eyes hoping the room would spin less. The next thing I knew he was on top of me. I tried to speak, and move but in that moment I was completely paralysed. I’m not comfortable with explaining every little personal detail, which I know so many are so brave to tell the personal details. But that night I was raped by someone who I called a friend for years.
A couple of days later, one of my best friends died. After the assault and loosing a best friend I expected to have an even bigger fall. But It didn’t happen like that. I refused to cry and break down. After months and months of squashing all of the emotions down, all the anger and grief started to show up in every part of my life. I became even more depressed, I barely went anywhere in case there was the slight chance of seeing him. I started doing anything I could to numb the pain. Out at night, slept through the day.
Despite going through all of that trauma, I had the most amazing people around me. Those people helped me get out of bed in the morning, they picked me up and loved me. If it wasn’t for those people I wouldn’t still be here and I don’t thank those people enough for loving me even when I’m not loveable.
It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it, how it is an every day battle in your mind to deal with. For me personally, the flashbacks are daily and the more I talk and share my experience the more towards healing I feel.
To anyone who has been through this or going through this.
You did not deserve it.
You are not worthless.
You are beautiful.
You are loved.
And you are believed.
I woke up feeling completely dissociated. The person who