Open letter to the people in my life.

Hey…

It’s been a while since I have written anything, but it’s so near to new year and I did do something like this last year too. Okay, so here goes….

Wow. So this year has been a tough year. I’ve tried to convince myself that I haven’t done anything this year, okay so many there are a lot of goals I didn’t achieve, but I know some of you have said how much I have overcome this year.

Let’s just rewind ourselves back through a few of them. After years of people trying to persuade me into it, I finally decided to give medication a try. I learnt that anti anxiety & depression meds don’t suit me, but have been on an anti psychotic for over 6 months now and it found that it has helped a lot. Also, since taking the meds I have stopped smoking altogether. I noticed after I started taking the meds, the combination of the two just wasn’t working and actually making me feel worse. So I am no longer dependant on drugs or alcohol and hopefully won’t be dependant on these meds for too long either.

After 4 years, I FINALLY opened up about being raped. Yes, I can finally say the actual word. The pattern of flashbacks and sleepless nights are still on going, but the first step I have taken to recovering from what happened is accepting it and speaking up.

Another hard thing I had to do this year was let go someone who was once a best friend. It’s sad that you can go years being close to someone, until one day you just realise that too much has happened and it becomes awkward and unhealthy.

“Friendship begins when two people choose each other, but what happens when we outgrow the choice? When little by little our paths diverge, our needs change and one day we wake up and realise that we need to choose something different.”

I have accepted that there are some people in life that are just not meant to stay, but do you know what? That’s okay, because it makes enough room for new people and even some people to re enter your life. Need I say more on this one? 🙂

The last few months I have endured a lot of pain. It has been raw, which will probably be down to the fact that I’m not using my old ways to numb it anymore. Flashbacks and relapses are definitely not fun, but I didn’t even think I’d make to my birthday, let alone Christmas. But here we are….near to 2018.

I wouldn’t have gotten this far without my circle of people. You all know who you are. From the people who I spend most of my time with to people who continue to support me and stick around on my journey who say and do things out of the kindness of their hearts. Admittedly, I don’t always deserve things like that, but I appreciate you all.

It’s not a secret that I gave up on myself for a little while recently. But I refuse to give up now after everything I have got through so far. My head has been stuck in the past for too long. It’s not going to be easy, but 2018 I am going to focus on pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Making plans and STICKING TO THEM! Spending time with people who make me happy. It’s going to be sad to be ending sessions with my support worker, but feeling positive about whoever I see next. I’m anxious about starting therapy, but it’s time I faced my fears. The past couple of months I have been focusing on my faith as it’s been a struggle for a while now, but I have had a constant excitement of learning and growing more everyday. It’s time to accept that I deserve to be happy. I deserve a future. I have a future.

Thank you to everyone who has stood by past year and who will continue to stand by me for another one. This is so cliche, but I honestly believe 2018 will be my year! 🙂

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#MeToo

By now you probably know what this post will be about if you’ve been following the #MeToo stand recently. I made a video about a year ago and I’ve mentioned it in past posts and poems, I just thought I’d make a brief blog post because I’ve realised the more I talk and share my experience with others, I feel like healing from this is even more possible.

2012 was a year of constant drama. Friendships being tested, trying to keep my two lives I was living separated. In January 2013, my whole world started collapsing around me. One of my longest friendships was breaking apart and one of my best friends was ill in hospital. I felt myself shutting down from everyone who seemed to care about me and found myself talking to someone who made most of 2012 miserable. We had been on and off fighting for two years, so when he was being so nice to me It felt like the feud was finally over. A few days before my best friend passed away, I was told that he hadn’t got long. I didn’t take this news well at all. I wasn’t sure how to act. I did what I do best and cut everyone off. Instead of going to people who really truly cared about me, I went to “him”. The person I ended up going to whenever I felt like shit. I originally wanted to meet with just him, but I ended up meeting him at a friend’s house who he was staying with. When I arrived I felt quite uncomfortable because I didn’t really know anyone who was there. I remember hoping that a mutual friend was going to turn up, but they didn’t I told him that I was just going to go and that’s when he said offered me the drink. I’d had a couple of glasses of vodka and coke, but compared to what my body had been used to over the last few months that was nothing. I thought to myself I’ll drink this and then I’ll text a friend to come and get me. After about 20-30 minutes I started to feel drunk, which I couldn’t understand. The sound of the music that was playing had increased in volume and my eye sight changed drastically and then feeling dizzy and nausea kicked in and the friend of “his” told me to go and lie down in the room that “he” was staying in. “He” helped me up at the stairs as I found myself unbalanced and stumbling. I collapsed on the bed, shutting my eyes hoping the room would spin less. The next thing I knew he was on top of me. I tried to speak, and move but in that moment I was completely paralysed. I’m not comfortable with explaining every little personal detail, which I know so many are so brave to tell the personal details. But that night I was raped by someone who I called a friend for years.

A couple of days later, one of my best friends died. After the assault and loosing a best friend I expected to have an even bigger fall. But It didn’t happen like that. I refused to cry and break down. After months and months of squashing all of the emotions down, all the anger and grief started to show up in every part of my life. I became even more depressed, I barely went anywhere in case there was the slight chance of seeing him. I started doing anything I could to numb the pain. Out at night, slept through the day.

Despite going through all of that trauma, I had the most amazing people around me. Those people helped me get out of bed in the morning, they picked me up and loved me. If it wasn’t for those people I wouldn’t still be here and I don’t thank those people enough for loving me even when I’m not loveable.

It’s hard to explain to anyone who hasn’t experienced it, how it is an every day battle in your mind to deal with. For me personally, the flashbacks are daily and the more I talk and share my experience the more towards healing I feel.

To anyone who has been through this or going through this.

You did not deserve it.

You are not worthless. 

You are beautiful.

You are loved.

And you are believed. 

I woke up feeling completely dissociated. The person who

Open Letter To Myself. ||The Future.

Hey.

This isn’t going to be easy, but you need to stop obsessing over the past. As harsh as this is, the past needs to stay in. the past. Let’s have a a bit of a recap of the past few years.

So, here we are in 2017. You have the worst upcoming months of the year ahead that you hate, as it only brings back memories from the past. You spent 2012, split between attending college (The times you actually turned up.)  Making memories with special people lost their battle in this life and also wasting your time with people who were only out for themselves. You spent half or 2013 doing everything that you could to drown out of the pain. And the rest of it slowly rebuilding with the help with two best friends. One of which, you don’t speak about anymore. Stop blaming yourself.

2014, was the year you FINALLY accepted therapy. And for a while it helped and then grand died. It was sudden and no one really expected it and the truth is, you never grieved any of the people you have lost and that is something you need to work on.

Between 2014 – 16 your mental health deteriorated and that wasn’t your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself for having a breakdown. It was going to happen eventually, it was just delayed a few years after building up the stress.

Stop worrying about time. I know you’ve lost people and they didn’t to live out everything they wanted to do and although you don’t know when you’re life is going to end, you need to remember that recovering from mental illness takes more than over night. It will take time, time you need to believe you have.

For everyone’s sake, stop stalling. Okay, yes. Things will take time, but you’ve been putting this off long enough now. You’ve been living in a comfort zone for far too long that it’s affecting more than just yourself.

Oh and Lola? Stop while you’re ahead. You’re not dumb. You know your games and you’re smart enough to know their moves before they even make them. 😉 They have an insider, don’t be taken in by that. Be careful.  Don’t chase.  Leave. It’s that time of the year where this all comes flooding back. But, please. Just don’t go back there. You’re better and stronger than that. Keep going girl.

Also, stop planning to do things and letting the demons get the better of you and then cancelling at the last minute. You’re already starting to hide behind your blankets with no make up, messy hair, re bandaging the wounds. Please stop. You don’t need to keep doing this to yourself. You’re heading back into a deep depression again and quite frankly you know you’re getting bored of it.

Start making more plans with your best friend, she living 20 minutes not 200 miles away.

Yes, you two have had amazing memories and it’s always great looking back at them, but for the sake of still being alive today start making more while you can. You have a damn bucket list, start using it!

2011, was the year that you left another temporary home and actually found comfort in a real home. That home will always be home, whether you live there or not. Remember, it isn’t the place that makes home. It’s the people. Everyone knew you couldn’t keep living in your comfort zone.

And the last thing. You’re not your parents. You never have been and you never will be. Okay, so things aren’t how you wanted them to be or wished for. But everything has worked out just how it was supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason and things have worked out well for everyone. Well, the people who matter. Stop feeling guilty for things that you don’t need to feel guilty for anymore. Also, stop feeling guilty for still being alive and continuing to live after losing  them. They’d want you be happy.

Get back to spending more time with family. Smile more, laugh more and enjoy every little moment that you can with Kaitlyn. Stop fearing of the future. Yes, it might be scary and anxious. But eventually moving to spend more time with the people who changed your life many years ago is exciting. The future could be okay. Its okay to be excited.

Closure.

So, I’m not about to announce that I am completely over my past. Believe me, I have a hell of a long way to go. And I haven’t got closure from everything. Just a certain thing. A certain person. A certain time of my life. It’s taken years to get some sort of closure from somewhere without be able to go to the main source. But a miracle has happened over the past month and just a few days ago I was finally able to stand up for myself.

I woke up yesterday morning and felt in control and stronger than I have felt in long time. Today, I feel pretty drained. (Which was expected) But just to remember how much strength I felt was amazing. Although there probably will be so many times that I will crash back down and it will affect me in some way, It will never control me in the same way it has done for the past 5 years.

Overcoming Sexual Assault. || TW

This is was a post that I never thought I’d be writing. I’ve made a video about it, but that was more along the lines of explaining what happened. Making that video was one of the hardest things I had to do. But by making it, I was able to connect with others who had gone through similar things. 

When I first came out about this publicly, people asked me why I didn’t go to the police about it. And just like so many people in the same position, I didn’t think I’d be believed. Especially because we had so many mutual people in common and I was convinced that they never believe it either. (Which by the way I was completely wrong and some of those people have been extremely supportive.)

Last year, after experiencing even more flashbacks than usual and after feeling like I was getting worse, more than recovering. 

I decided to contact the police. 

I spoke to two police officers at the house because I was unable to leave the house at that point in time. I told them what remembered, but I couldn’t say the same of the person. I was that petrified of what would happen when everything would blow up and I wasn’t mentally ready for it. 

After feeling like a failure for about a month, I found out their was a sexual assault centre near to me. When I got there I felt extremely safe. I was able to write down exactly what I remembered from that night and I was able to write down his name and she then anonymously sent it over to the police. 

Ever since what happened, I have constant flashbacks from that night and also from other memories involving him. 

On Monday, when I was coming home in the car, I seen him in passing for the first time in a couple of months. And it was the first time that I didn’t freak out, I wasn’t scared, I didn’t shake or dissociate. I felt quite calm and strong. And the most important thing was that I didn’t have a flashback! 

Going through something like that made me feel dirty, worthless and unlovable. I stopped letting people in and I don’t like to be touched. 

But even throughout all of that, I have so freaking lucky to have a best friend and incredible family who has supported me. 

He will not stop me from living my life anymore and please God, if karma is on my side let the guilt drill him right down to the core of the soul he supposedly has left.

This is only just the beginning of recovering from him and what happened, but it is a huge positive step forward and I’m excited to start living life again. ☺️🖕🏻

Done With Negativity.

Do you ever see happiness or your future, but you’re just too drawn back to your past?

I found myself stuck in this situation last week.

In fact this post was originally titled “Drawn To Negativity”. And I had written about what kind of week I had, that was surrounded with things from the past. It’s been a while since I was so addicted to negativity, but yesterday something changed in me.

It took one skype call, one person and a whole lot of random happiness that I hadn’t felt in a very long time. When I woke up this morning I still felt happy and that isn’t normally like me. As I stared at myself in the mirror, I imagined every bit of my past standing behind me, I looked straight at it in the mirror and said “Enough, now.”

There has to be a point where I have to let go and stop re opening these wounds that are so desperately trying to heal. This is the time. It’s not fair. I owe that to myself.

The present and my future deserves a chance of happiness.

I deserve a chance of happiness. 🙂

Officially Emotionally Unstable.

Looking at the title….let’s be real here, let’s not pretend we didn’t already know this.

I honestly went into today expecting the worst. After waiting for so long, I really didn’t think that today was going to be any different that the last assessments. She asked me a bunch of questions and then told me what other medication she wants me to try out.

A little while later she asked me if I had any questions to ask her. In annoyance because again I wasn’t getting what I had wanted all along. I may have had a little outburst.

Cutting a long story short, I finally have to diagnosis I have been expecting.

Although, I am relieved. Today has been very overwhelming.

I just wanted to make a little update.

Okay. Bye.

🙂