Dear you, again.

***TRIGGER WARNING*** ***TRIGGER WARNING*** 

 

Dear You,

Me again.

I promised I wouldn’t do this again.,

Write about you. Talk about you.

The girl you laugh at to some.

The girl you tell the rest “Who? When reminded of the past.

The girl with the friend you had the cheek to tell that I only wanted you for your body. After that night you held me down to that bed.

I was the girl who at one point put you before my own family.

I was the girl who tore apart a friendship for you.

I was the girl who just wanted to be loved.

I was the girl you invited to the party, only to find out that it was a party for one and I was the entertainment.

I was the girl who you made to feel that worthless that I tried to end my own life. If that friend hadn’t found me that night, it would have been a mystery of “Why”.

I am the woman who still struggles with flashbacks.

I am the woman with scars inside and out.

I am the woman who found real friendships.

I am the woman you attempted to break.

I am the woman you raped.

But I am the woman who survived it.

So, fuck you.

Oh and P.S. The new girl?

The one who called you prince…

She said “I’m just sick”

She’s right. I am sick.

Sick of wishing I’d told someone sooner.

Because I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.

Who was going to believe me over someone who had a knack of wrapping everyone around their little finger?

I am sick of protecting you to mutual friends when they ask me if it’s you in past poetry.

She also said I am “wounded”.

Darling, I am but not in the childish way that you meant.

Wounded from the truth of what was no consent.

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Back to college, Blogging & Vlogging.

In September 2011, I started at a college. After going through a trauma, the beginning of my struggles with my mental health and been cyber bullying, I was a little anxious, but super excited to start a new chapter of my life.

On my first day, I remember walking into the college and I went with a mentor into one of the main rooms where everyone else was. I remember feeling more anxious as we approached the bigger room. As the mentor was showing some of the students into the room, I decided to wait at the door and search for the friend I also knew would be there.

As soon as I started scanning the room, my stomach dropped when I spotted the person who had cyber bullying me. My whole new start that I had planned out in my head had fallen about there and then. The mentor took me into an office and I burst into tears and I phoned my nana to come and get me. In my head, I didn’t want her to win, so I made the choice to go back to college to next day and start again with support of the mentor.

Throughout that next year at college, I was starting to fall apart. It got to the point where I had a complete breakdown for many different reasons. I’ve tried different colleges, online stuff, but nothing until now has been the right time.

Even though my mental health isn’t in the best shape, I am excited to start another chapter. It’s definitely not going to be easy, but with the right support I am feeling positive about pulling myself through this.

The one thing I regret from that time was that I never kept a diary or journal of things that happened back them. I have the odd or (hundreds) of tweet about silly teen relationships and friendships, but nothing what really, really mattered. So this time around I’m going to try keeping up to date with documenting through both blogging and vlogging. I don’t know what is going to come of this new chapter, it could all turn out to be crap (Very positive….)  but if could be the start of a new beginning, new friendships and new learning experiences.

🙂

Changing My Name || FUTURE

Okay, so…

Although my mental health isn’t how I’d like it to be right now, for some reason. From somewhere I am pushing myself to do things anyway. Last week I went back to the place where I started to have a breakdown. Going back there reminds me of that fear I once had and reminds me of a lot of pain, but no amount of flashback is going to stop me from re starting another bit of my life.  I’m having slip ups all the time. The relapses, the impulses, the dissociation and all. Despite everything, I will start doing what I want to do. I will be who I want to be. Whoever that is. I’ve  struggled and will probably continue to struggle with my own identity. Who I really am. Who I want to be. I have questioned so many things about myself to point that I have wished to be nothing at all. Society fill our heads with so many names that we forget we are people behind the labels and names and frankly, the only name that I want to be called is the one that I call myself.

Which by the way……..

Months ago there was nothing more than I wanted than a diagnosis and okay now I have it, it explains a heck of a lot of things about myself, but I guess it really is just a name. For as long as I can remember I wanted to change my name. I have never felt great with my name and in 2013, I decided to do something about it. After discussing it with a few people, there wasn’t that much of a positive reaction to changing my whole name and with how I was at the time, I actually cared about what people thought, so I made the choice to just change me surname name. Changing my surname to absolutely anything would have suited me just fine at that time if it meant not being tied down to a name I despised, but changing it to a name that actually meant something felt amazing. I didn’t feel as tied down.

Now, after a few more years of thinking about it. I am going actually changing the rest of my name. It’s not going to be to drastic…..most people these days know I have used this name before. For once, I don’t care about people have negative opinions on things because we only get this one life and what would be the point if we don’t be who we are and try to be happy in this life. Sometimes, it’s the little things that mean a lot.

Vlogging Again.

I’m finding it hard to get much inspiration to write anything new at the minute. Hopefully I will find something a little better to write soon.  I have taken up vlogging again. I might be awkward and boring but it’s been a while since I have wanted to stick a camera in my face and talk to it for more than a minute. And to my surprise it has actually been helping me to get things off my mind.

I’ve got a main channel where I post public videos of my mental health recovery/ journey. Which I only re started a few days ago after not posting since last year. And a channel where I post random/boring/awkward vlogs for myself and people around me. normally keep most vlogs on there either private or unlisted.

If anyone would like to follow the journey and subscribe the channels. Feel free. 🙂

Main Channel: https://www.youtube.com/LiveAnotherDay

Personal Channel: <——– Link

 

Hope life is treating everyone okay.

Blocking Them For Good. || RANT

Things are always extra tough from June through to August. The last two years haven’t bothered me like they have this year. Maybe because I have kept certain people at a very nice, long way away from me and making sure I don’t let them back like before. Until last week, I thought I was able to get through all of this again. But you just had to be there. Again. Involved again. Why? Not just for your own benefits. For his also. I know more than you think and you know less than you think you know. If you had real questions, why not come out and say them in your own way of asking them other than make it known it wasn’t really you asking them? Or was that point?

I don’t even know. I don’t want to care anymore.

There are those people in life who only stay or come back because of boredom or because they are just pure nosey. Or being nosey for others and reporting to others. That’s cool if people want to ask like that. I’m just done being the fool and letting that happen with me. I love people who generally ask questions because they are interested. What I hate is the people ask questions out of nosiness. I made the decision of stop chasing people for those reasons. When you’re the one who cares and the other one doesn’t, why hold onto the pain?

Hanging on to those people knowing they don’t have you’re best intentions in mind, it’s pointless,  painful and constant reminder of the shitty past and takes up space in mind and the time I could be spending and thinking of the people who actually care.

 

 

Open Letter To Myself. ||The Future.

Hey.

This isn’t going to be easy, but you need to stop obsessing over the past. As harsh as this is, the past needs to stay in. the past. Let’s have a a bit of a recap of the past few years.

So, here we are in 2017. You have the worst upcoming months of the year ahead that you hate, as it only brings back memories from the past. You spent 2012, split between attending college (The times you actually turned up.)  Making memories with special people lost their battle in this life and also wasting your time with people who were only out for themselves. You spent half or 2013 doing everything that you could to drown out of the pain. And the rest of it slowly rebuilding with the help with two best friends. One of which, you don’t speak about anymore. Stop blaming yourself.

2014, was the year you FINALLY accepted therapy. And for a while it helped and then grand died. It was sudden and no one really expected it and the truth is, you never grieved any of the people you have lost and that is something you need to work on.

Between 2014 – 16 your mental health deteriorated and that wasn’t your fault. You need to stop blaming yourself for having a breakdown. It was going to happen eventually, it was just delayed a few years after building up the stress.

Stop worrying about time. I know you’ve lost people and they didn’t to live out everything they wanted to do and although you don’t know when you’re life is going to end, you need to remember that recovering from mental illness takes more than over night. It will take time, time you need to believe you have.

For everyone’s sake, stop stalling. Okay, yes. Things will take time, but you’ve been putting this off long enough now. You’ve been living in a comfort zone for far too long that it’s affecting more than just yourself.

Oh and Lucy?Stop while you’re ahead. You’re not dumb. You know your games and you’re smart enough to know their moves before they even make them. 😉 They have an insider, don’t be taken in by that. Be careful.  Don’t chase.  Leave. It’s that time of the year where this all comes flooding back. But, please. Just don’t go back there. You’re better and stronger than that. Keep going girl.

Also, stop planning to do things and letting the demons get the better of you and then cancelling at the last minute. You’re already starting to hide behind your blankets with no make up, messy hair, re bandaging the wounds. Please stop. You don’t need to keep doing this to yourself. You’re heading back into a deep depression again and quite frankly you know you’re getting bored of it.

Start making more plans with your best friend, she living 20 minutes not 200 miles away.

Yes, you two have had amazing memories and it’s always great looking back at them, but for the sake of still being alive today start making more while you can. You have a damn bucket list, start using it!

2011, was the year that you left another temporary home and actually found comfort in a real home. That home will always be home, whether you live there or not. Remember, it isn’t the place that makes home. It’s the people. Everyone knew you couldn’t keep living in your comfort zone.

And the last thing. You’re not your parents. You never have been and you never will be. Okay, so things aren’t how you wanted them to be or wished for. But everything has worked out just how it was supposed to be. Everything happens for a reason and things have worked out well for everyone. Well, the people who matter. Stop feeling guilty for things that you don’t need feel guilty for anymore. Also, stop feeling guilty for still being alive and continuing to live after losing  them. They’d want you be happy.

Get back to spending more time with family. Smile more, laugh more and enjoy every little moment that you can with Kaitlyn. Stop fearing of the future. Yes, it might be scary and anxious. But eventually moving to spend more time with the people who changed your life many years ago is exciting. The future could be okay. Its okay to be excited.

Closure.

So, I’m not about to announce that I am completely over my past. Believe me, I have a hell of a long way to go. And I haven’t got closure from everything. Just a certain thing. A certain person. A certain time of my life. It’s taken years to get some sort of closure from somewhere without be able to go to the main source. But a miracle has happened over the past month and just a few days ago I was finally able to stand up for myself.

I woke up yesterday morning and felt in control and stronger than I have felt in long time. Today, I feel pretty drained. (Which was expected) But just to remember how much strength I felt was amazing. Although there probably will be so many times that I will crash back down and it will affect me in some way, It will never control me in the same way it has done for the past 5 years.