It’s been a while since I have written anything, but it’s so near to new year and I did do something like this last year too. Okay, so here goes….
Wow. So this year has been a tough year. I’ve tried to convince myself that I haven’t done anything this year, okay so many there are a lot of goals I didn’t achieve, but I know some of you have said how much I have overcome this year.
Let’s just rewind ourselves back through a few of them. After years of people trying to persuade me into it, I finally decided to give medication a try. I learnt that anti anxiety & depression meds don’t suit me, but have been on an anti psychotic for over 6 months now and it found that it has helped a lot. Also, since taking the meds I have stopped smoking altogether. I noticed after I started taking the meds, the combination of the two just wasn’t working and actually making me feel worse. So I am no longer dependant on drugs or alcohol and hopefully won’t be dependant on these meds for too long either.
After 4 years, I FINALLY opened up about being raped. Yes, I can finally say the actual word. The pattern of flashbacks and sleepless nights are still on going, but the first step I have taken to recovering from what happened is accepting it and speaking up.
Another hard thing I had to do this year was let go someone who was once a best friend. It’s sad that you can go years being close to someone, until one day you just realise that too much has happened and it becomes awkward and unhealthy.
“Friendship begins when two people choose each other, but what happens when we outgrow the choice? When little by little our paths diverge, our needs change and one day we wake up and realise that we need to choose something different.”
I have accepted that there are some people in life that are just not meant to stay, but do you know what? That’s okay, because it makes enough room for new people and even some people to re enter your life. Need I say more on this one? 🙂
The last few months I have endured a lot of pain. It has been raw, which will probably be down to the fact that I’m not using my old ways to numb it anymore. Flashbacks and relapses are definitely not fun, but I didn’t even think I’d make to my birthday, let alone Christmas. But here we are….near to 2018.
I wouldn’t have gotten this far without my circle of people. You all know who you are. From the people who I spend most of my time with to people who continue to support me and stick around on my journey who say and do things out of the kindness of their hearts. Admittedly, I don’t always deserve things like that, but I appreciate you all.
It’s not a secret that I gave up on myself for a little while recently. But I refuse to give up now after everything I have got through so far. My head has been stuck in the past for too long. It’s not going to be easy, but 2018 I am going to focus on pushing myself out of my comfort zone. Making plans and STICKING TO THEM! Spending time with people who make me happy. It’s going to be sad to be ending sessions with my support worker, but feeling positive about whoever I see next. I’m anxious about starting therapy, but it’s time I faced my fears. The past couple of months I have been focusing on my faith as it’s been a struggle for a while now, but I have had a constant excitement of learning and growing more everyday. It’s time to accept that I deserve to be happy. I deserve a future. I have a future.
Thank you to everyone who has stood by past year and who will continue to stand by me for another one. This is so cliche, but I honestly believe 2018 will be my year! 🙂